Society has always supported the notion that a man is supposed to be older than the woman in a relationship. And, has accepted, although with whispers, when a man dates a much younger woman. Neither of these are new to us.
In more conservative areas of the world, and of the US, this remains the typical viewpoint. I'm surprised to find so many here in New York City, New...York...City, still hold to that traditional view. Looking across cultures, here's what I've found, to-date: the British tend to hold to having the man be older (although most Brits I've seen tend to stick very close to their own age); Western Europeans are more concerned with who you are and whether there's chemistry (age and profession may never arise in conversation); and, in South America age doesn't seem to be as relevant (although my exposure across those countries is limited).
Personally, I applaud the Europeans. I admit that I'm guilty of it myself, but I think the notion of our profession and our age defining us is ludicrous. Think about it, here in the US the first question asked whenever you meet someone new is "What do you do?" Seriously? Truly? Is this how we want to be defined? Is this how we want to see others? I would much rather learn what someone is passionate about and their views on life.
Back to love and age ...
The other night, I was chatting with a woman who is 29 and was on a date with someone when she learned of his age, 23. Immediately she put him in the 'no' category. I believe her age range is 27-40. Another woman with us that same evening is 23 and saw no issue with the former woman dating the 23 year old.
Back home, in Cincinnati, I have a very intelligent and politically-savvy friend who refused to even consider accepting a date with a man who was younger, even by only 2 years. We all thought she was crazy because, as (almost) everyone knows, 2 years falls into the 'same age' category. She's now happily married to a man 10 years her junior. She was 40 when she married.
Another friend of mine is 66 and he has been married for 15 years to someone 20 years younger. They love each other very much and have a great life together.
And, an acquaintance of mine is a lovely 37 year old woman who is smart, successful, full of life, and about to marry a man who is 27 years old and without a job. Could you do this? Could I?
Cougars and what used to be referred to as 'Dirty Old Men'...
I hate this new term, Cougar. We don't have a cultural term for older men who date much younger women. Why is it any different for an older woman to date a younger man?
My despise of the term has nothing to do with my gender nor my age. Rather, it has everything to do with putting a negative label on something that should not even be a topic of discussion for acceptance or unacceptance. I despise the term because it perpetuates an unhealthy stereotype.
We each decide what is best for us and with what we are the most comfortable. We are all formed by our familial environment, life experiences, and greatly by our cultural environment. But why are we still judgmental and unaccepting of something different from society's norm?
Keeping it real by getting personal ...
I have always been attracted to older men...even as a young girl. In fact, I'm probably the one woman who never thought George Clooney was attractive in the slightest. He was too cutsey. But now that he has begun to age, omg, he is very handsome! (And yes, Jerry, the man I was married to, is an older man.)
All of that said, I don't believe age matters. I'm a firm believer that life-stage is what's important.
I've dated men as much as 16 years older than me. And I've dated men as young as 13 years younger. If you want to look at age, that range is rather large. Jim, who is 16 years older, is very young-at-heart without sacrificing emotional maturity. Cesar, who is 13 years younger, is very mature. In fact, initially I thought he was only 7 years younger. And yes, I did fall in love with Cesar. Surprisingly, my Midwestern, conversative parents liked him and told me they were supportive if I decided to marry him. What I decided was that I didn't want to hold him back from having the 'normal' life experiences of his age group, so I walked away. Friends accused me of making his decision for him. I didn't see it that way...then. A year later, he invited me to his wedding. He married an older woman.
Changing the conversation...
In order to initiate and cause change, we must first change the conversation. Peter Block has an excellent book about change: The Answer to How Is Yes: Acting on What Matters. Granted, it is directed at changing corporate and cultural landscapes, but his principles apply here. After all, love and age are part of our cultural landscape.
Here are a few questions we may want to ask ourselves, and each other, to start changing the conversation:
- Is there a 'right and wrong' when it comes to love and age?
- Should I assign or use terms, and do they perpetuate stereotypes?
- If I wanted to, could I actually go against our societal norms?
