In Search of Me ~ il Trebbiolo

Sometime during my nineteen years in Corporate America, I laid down and drifted off to sleep. It happened so slowly and quietly that I hadn't even noticed, and it took years for me to realize I was missing. When my company announced it was offering separation packages, my goal was to be the first employee to request one. Three days after I left the company, I boarded a plane for Europe to begin my sabbatical ... in search of me. In search of the place where my very essence lay waiting to be awakened from a long and deep sleep...

My friend, Natalie Bauman, joins me for my first week, which is in Italy. As we drive from Florence into the Tuscan countryside, the beauty of the landscape overwhelms us. We look at a few tattered hotels before finding ourselves near the town of Olmo and driving down a private lane lined with the tallest cypress tress I have ever seen. Tuscan trees, as I like to call them. My tuscan trees. Even before the lovely villa comes into view, I somehow know in my heart that this is a special place for me. Was it chance, or the winds, which guided us?

il Trebbiolo Hotel, "our villa" as Nat and I prefer to call it, is breathtaking. I climb out of the car and as I stand gazing, I feel I must whisper so as not to disturb her beauty. il Trebbiolo is sun-kissed yellow and has green shutters and iron rods on the windows. There are many flowers and bushes, including what appears to be a lemon bush bearing fruit and casting a slight scent of citrus into the air. A front courtyard, with her tall trees and low stone wall, provides a shaded place to sit and enjoy the view of terraced hills, olives trees, and distant towns. Two column terraces on either side of the main entrance display tables with white linen cloths enticing us to come and dine. The courtyard floor of small pebbles announce our arrival to our hosts.

Sabrina and Roberto, our hosts, cater to us as though we are their only guests. As we dine on the most delicious fare we have ever tasted, Nat and I take in the view. Both neighbors from nearby towns and guests from surrounding hotels are patrons of the restaurant whose local chefs use their families' timeless recipes. We enjoy a carafe of local chianti, the best bruschetta I have ever enjoyed, chicken with port and almonds, and carrots with onions in balsamic vinegar. Our palates have never been so delighted! Nat and I talk for hours at our table on the terrace, finally moving to chairs beside the wall where candles cast the perfect amount of light. A hushed peacefulness abounds. This is the perfect place to breathe deeply and allow life to speak to us. The perfect place for us to absorb. We see the lights of a church on a hillside in the distance. Its bell gongs midnight. I listen hard to the late night sounds hoping to hear something that will magically guide me on my search.

There is something energizing about waking up in brisk air and sunshine! I remember spending my childhood summers in the country and waking up to the same freshness. Nat and I get an early start to our days beginning them with a delightful breakfast of yogurt and mueslix, fresh bread with prosciutto and mozzarella, and apricot tarts. And, of course, fabulous Italian cappuccino! Ahhh...Italian cappuccino. It alone is worth a trip to Italy.

We spend our days driving through the countryside to Arezzo (a small Etruscan town dating back to 4th century BC), Fiesole, and Florence. Each day we return to il Trebbiolo with time to relax before dinner. We spend the time taking a nap in the cool of the late evening, going for a run along the country roads, glancing through the many Italian books in the living room, or sitting by the wall absorbing the scenery as it looks so different with the sun in this position. The green of the rolling hills, the blue of the sky, the intense sunshine. Ahh, is it just that I'm so captivated by the beauty of Tuscany or are the colors more vibrant here? Maybe it's the peacefulness that brings so much life to the colors. I realize that the beauty of this land could heal my soul. I have found a place where I, along with time, stand still. A place where my mind and my heart meld into one allowing my soul to completely envelop me. Where my soul reaches from deep inside, wraps around my complete being, and gently folds me back into myself. I have found a special place in Tuscany, at my il Trebbiolo.

Our last night before leaving for Venice, Nat and I once again sit next to the wall, absorbing. There is something so magical about il Trebbiolo that we try to take in her serene beauty for those times when we will wish we were here. All of the stars are out tonight. The church bell strikes mezzanotte. Midnight. A small lamb is nearby and calls for its mother. So much is being said, though neither of us say a word. Natalie decides to head to our room to write in her journal. As I sit under the stars and absorb the Tuscan night one last time, I hear a faint sound coming from somewhere off in the distance. It almost sounds like someone breathing softly as they sleep...

~ June, 2001

Character

This past week it seems as though 'character' has been at the core of many conversations across our country.  Not surprising given current events ... Obama, banks, economy, jobs, 'Joe the Who?'  Almost every conversation I've had over the past week has centered around the character of a person or a company whether that was the actual topic of discussion or not.

Character.

Webster says character is "the aggregate of features and traits that form the individual nature of some person or thing."

Wikipedia defines it as "an evaluation of a particular individual's moral qualities."

And I've heard that character is "the will to do what is right regardless of personal cost."

Pondering ...

... our nature.

... our moral qualities.

... our will to sacrifice for what is right.

This pondering leads me to intimacy.

Today, in our world ... globally, locally ... we all want intimacy.  We crave it.  We need it.  Do we realize it is an innate need?  Life.  Others.  We love our independence and, especially in this country ... especially in NYC, we love our individualism.  Have we allowed that individualism to separate us from each other?  And if so, then we've created the very issue we so often discuss ... the lack of intimacy in our society.

Intimacy.  Character.

It seems there is a direct correlation between the degree to which we are willing to be open and authentic with others and their willingness to share themselves with us.  

Whether our personal self or our self as the company we represent, when was the last time we questioned if we are about the relationship or simply getting something out of the relationship?

How does the degree of our willingness to use our moral qualities by doing the right thing, despite what it may/may not bring to us personally, impact how we conduct ourself in our daily life? impact others in our life?

Character.

Just pondering ...

Pick One

I recently had an email exchange with a friend who was questioning relationships. Dealing with modern women, and being a modern man, he said he was "tired" and wondered "if our parents' generation had it right: commit, work it out."

Our wanderings were interesting ... both in our lives as we searched for someone with whom to commit ourselves to and with the conversation at present. My response to him was...

"It seems as though not being in a relationship leaves you in a restless place. I think it's important to be good on your own before you can be good in a relationship. As difficult as alone may be, especially in this city (NYC). Your worth & your image are truly not determined by your success in business nor the woman by your side. They are determined by how you live your life and handle your relationships. Although, many don't see it that way ... and that's a trap that is more prevalent here in NYC than anywhere else.

... Your depth and analytical skills, ..., are key strengths of yours. However, as someone said to me years ago "It must serve you well in business, but it must really trip you up in your personal life." That comment has remained with me. When we are dealing with human beings, we often times need to let go of logic and reason as emotions are, more often than not, neither logical nor reasonable. So I believe you've fallen into that trap that so many of us have and that is having unrealistic expectations. Lowering our expectations does not equate to settling for less. But rather, it enables us to accept others for who they are and allows us to be more understanding of the whole person ... and see their wonderful traits.

Yes, there are so many people in this world with whom we would make a good match. But it all comes down to this ... we have to make a choice: do we want to spend our life enjoying many different people, or do we want to enjoy many aspects of life with one person? If it's the latter, then quite simply it comes down to this: of all of those people that could be good for us ... pick one. That's it. Quite simply, pick one. And then, yes, as our parents' generation did, commit and work it out. If we are people of integrity, then respect and honor (and love) will hold us to that one person and help us make the right choice when presented with others who could be exciting or good for us. Pick one, commit, be there for each other above all else.

It sounds difficult, but it's quite easy. Well, it is once we get a good understanding of who we are. Once we know ourself, we know who is & who isn't good for us, as well as who we are & aren't good for, in the long haul.

Make sense?"

Triggers

Life has a funny way of checking in with us to see if we are on our game.

It seems when you have been sailing along smoothly, the wind will suddenly stop. There isn't a storm.  No crashing waves.  Just a pause.  The same lovely sunny, cloudless day.  

I recently came to terms with myself on an aspect of my life and it has been exhilarating!  I hadn't been on a quest to resolve anything or make a decision ~ I just awoke one day to a new realization and have been smiling ever since.  And, of course, in typical Karen fashion, I've openly and freely shared with friends and acquaintances.

la la-la la-la la-la ...

And then, when recently I was walking down the street on a lovely morning sharing my new 'life insight' with a friend...wham-o!  My words had not even finished passing through my lips when, there it was ... life checked in with me.  At those moments, we know very well why life tries to ascertain our stance.  And we find ourselves denying our denial.

Which always sets off a chain of events ... 

Seven years ago, I ended my sabbatical in Europe with an email to friends answering everyone's questions.  Several had asked what was my most profound moment.  I'll never forget that moment nor being so emotionally shaken that "It made me clearly see four things I needed to remove from my life in order to receive what I want the most."  Since my stroll down the street on that gorgeous morn, I've thought about that time seven years ago and those four things.  Three have been gone from my life.  And the fourth...  The fourth.  I've 'tried' & 'tried' to remove the fourth.  And I've fought myself the entire time.  

So life checks in again, now, to see if I'll take the step allowing myself to have what I deny that I want.

Being Still Together

About seven years ago, by way of example, Natalie Bauman reminded me what life, family, and friendships are truly about.  While these are not my words, below are the lyrics to a song I love ~ written by Sarah Groves.  Every time I hear it, I think of days when I received a phone call or an email from Natalie inviting a few of us to come by her house any time for some homemade soup.  She would be home all evening, and we were invited to stop by whenever was convenient for us and to stay for as little or as long as we chose.  I'm not sure what put this song on my mind today.  Maybe the passing of my Aunt Barbara.  Maybe because I'm missing my family in Cincinnati today.  Maybe it's that I'm taking my first day in weeks to stop and simply enjoy a lazy sunny day in the park.  Regardless, I hope these words cause your heart and mind to wander as well ...

I am long on staying

I am slow to leave

Especially when it comes to you my friend

You have taught me to slow down

And to prop up my feet

It's the fine art of being who I am

And I can't figure out

Why you want me around

I'm not the smartest person I have ever met

But somehow that doesn't matter

No it never really mattered to you at all

And at the risk of wearing out my welcome

At the risk of self-discovery

I'll take every moment

And every minute that you'll give me.

And I can think of a time when

families all lived together

Four generations in one house

And the table was full of good food

And friends and neighbors

But that's not how we like it now

Cause if you sit at home you're a loser

Couldn't you find anything better to do

Well no I couldn't think of one thing

I would rather waste my time on

than sitting here with you

And I wish all the people I love the most

Could gather in one place

And know each other and love each other well

And I wish we could all go camping

And lay beneath the stars

And have nothing to do and stories to tell

We'd sit around the campfire

And we'd make each other laugh remembering when

You're the first one I'm inviting

Always know that you're my friend

And at the risk of wearing out my welcome

At the risk of self-discovery

I'll take every moment

And every minute that you'll give me

To answer your question...

I've received numerous emails inquiring when I'm going to post more of my writing (such as my second post on this blog).  The original plan was to include many of my writings, however, I learned that anything I post online is considered 'published' and therefore I am not able to publish separately.  And after seven years, I'm finally writing that book on my sabbatical.  So I'm limited to what I can post, and my limited time for writing is dedicated to my book rather than new material.  In the meantime, I'll try to ensure posts are of interesting & various 'wanderings.'

Summertime Fun

Everyone seems to be in the 'end of summer' rush to squeeze in as much outdoor fun as possible.  I am not the exception.  So as I go about tackling as much fun as possible over the next month, I think about all of my adventures thus far ...

(names have been omitted to protect the guilty)

- the 'Great Flood of 2008' ~ we're starting to smile about it already

- Tetherball Champions!  

- those pesky non-pests, in more ways than one

- our near arrest!  (darn ... it remains on my life 'will do' list :)

- bullets dodged, whewsy

- roadtrip through...Pittsburgh??  conversion rate of brother to boy: 1:1   (ahh, the lengths we go to for our girlfriends :)

- lots of babies ~ miss petite's pending arrival, dancing baby miranda

- Broadway...lots & lots of Broadway!

- mourning the closing of laser tag :(

- cycling the city

- cervesas, vino & dancing!

- caving with "the nicest people in the world!"

- beach, beach, & still more beach ... 

Catching Grief

It seems many have interpreted my last entry as my being unhappy with New York City, or unhappy with my friends.  Neither could be further from the truth!

First, I have been blessed with an amazing group of friends in NYC.  For the first time in my life, my daily circle of friends has more women than men.  And they are amazing women who bring so much to my life.  In my previous email I was making a general reference to conversations that go on around me.  The friends I am with on a weekly basis most definitely provide the diversity of thought I need.  In fact, they provide it in a very fresh way for me as they have only moved to the US within the last two years from a few different countries.  Hearing their perspective definitely grows my mind in ways that other friends cannot as they have not lived in the US for a number of years.  

I have always said that "everyone and every place has something to offer," and have always had great difficulty comprehending how someone can think otherwise.  A few friends in Cincinnati, Caracas, Rome, Geneva, et al, have made comments of their respective city being a terrible place to live.  My perspective is, sure, it may not be New York City, South Beach Miami, or Alaska, but there is plenty to experience and adventures to be had everywhere!  

... in such situations, I challenge each of us that maybe it's not the place that needs to expand but rather the point of view?

So now, New York City.

I love New York City!

I love the diversity, the many cultures and subcultures, and the sheer energy you feel when you walk out your door.  But come on, no one place (nor one person) is completely void of imperfections.  And the one that has caught me by surprise in New York City is people "tend to" stay in homogeneous circles.

I ponder why, in a city so full of diversity, would one not take full advantage of the accessibility of diversities and explore?  

Fear?  Safety?  Ease?  Indifference?

Regardless of reason, the very idea of living in such a tightly drawn box goes against my very being. 

I don't ever want to miss out on that much life!

Diversity of Thought, in New York City?

New York City.  Probably the most diverse city on the earth.  One would think that deep, intellectual conversations with diverse thinking is something that happens regularly.  I have found that not to be the case. 

Where are the conversations amongst friends where voices raise and debating words increase in speed so quickly that on-lookers are confused as to whether a fight will break out or wine glasses will be raised in toast?  Where are the conversations that have me going straight to amazon.com so I may further research points raised by those around the table and broaden my own thinking?  Where are those individuals who can bring global thinking to the table and actually challenge my mind?

Where is the diversity of thought?

Oh yes, I've met several people here with whom I can get into debating conversations that make me think.  But what are they making me think about?  Most of the time I find myself wondering how someone their age can be stuck in such a parochial mentality, circular thinking, or such illogical and irrational thought processes.  And, I'm meeting so many people who treat sound bites as data points.  The strange thing is that these aren't uneducated individuals.  They are highly schooled and work for some of the top companies.  So what is causing the limitations?

From where I'm standing, it seems to be a combination of lacking a broad world view and living in New York City.

Sure, many work on Wall Street or a Fortune 100 company.  Many have attended the best schools in the US.  But have they traveled the world and experienced other cultures?  Are their circle of friends diverse enough to challenge their thinking? 

And living in New York City seems to automatically shift priorities.  Fashion trends and the drama of celebrities' lives seem to trump what is happening to the people in third world countries and how our foreign policies play out in other parts of the world.  

Or, to be fair (you all knew this was coming)...

Could it be that after working & being in the NYC rat race all day that we turn to mindless entertainment to lighten things up for ourselves?  

I know I promised this wouldn't be a blog of whining, but I just returned from dinner at a friend's and it was only one of a few conversations I've had since moving to NYC two years ago that was actually thought-provoking and broadened my thinking.  It was delightful!

Please don't get me wrong, I love New York!  I love my friends!  I love the diversity of the city!  On this regard, I just expected something different from New York City.

So, blast Cincinnati all you want, but conversations which challenge your thinking with diverse views from various ends of the earth happen almost daily.

I miss that from my community.

So, come on NYC, let's step it up a bit!

oh how the water flows
as life doth pass us by
into our hearts
the love, too, flows
carries us
shelters us
steadies life's rocky ride

oh the journey is a wondrous one
full of hopes and turns
steady us
rock us
life lessons sometimes relearned

as the water flows
as the love grows
we reach out to each other
carry you
steady you
enjoy life's wondrous ride

~ September 27, 2005

   Rosario Beach, Deception Pass

   Whidbey Island, WA

  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

the best sound is one I n'er hear often

from where does she come?

who encourages her to travel such distance?

what inspires her to journey so?

the simple joy of delivering pleasure

her gift a constant lapping

the delight she brings most beautiful

 yet often noticed not at all

what soul could not notice?

what awakening must occur?

this soul yearns for the constancy of her.

anxious journeys to meet her

from where doth she come?

 i do not know

our souls journey to find each other

alas, she is always waiting my arrival

her gift extended for my embrace

and i, i embrace her gift always

never wanting the journey return

~ September 28, 2005

   Langley, WA

12 Year Anniversary for a Heart Transplant Recipient

"Karen's Life Equities" 

1)  Laugh - laugh hard, laugh a lot, laughter will get you through anything

2)  Dream - never stop dreaming, never stop pursuing your dreams

3)  Move Forward - always move forward...grow...expand your mind

4)  No Missed Opportunities & No Regrets

         ~ August, 1998

In Search of Me ~ il Trebbiolo

Sometime during my nineteen years in Corporate America, I laid down and drifted off to sleep.  It happened so slowly and quietly that I hadn't even noticed, and it took years for me to realize I was missing.  When my company announced it was offering separation packages, my goal was to be the first employee to request one. Three days after I left the company, I boarded a plane for Europe to begin my sabbatical ... in search of me.  In search of the place where my very essence lay waiting to be awakened from a long and deep sleep...

My friend, Natalie Bauman, joins me for my first week, which is in Italy.  As we drive from Florence into the Tuscan countryside, the beauty of the landscape overwhelms us.  We look at a few tattered hotels before finding ourselves near the town of Olmo and driving down a private lane lined with the tallest cypress tress I have ever seen.  Tuscan trees, as I like to call them.  My tuscan trees.  Even before the lovely villa comes into view, I somehow know in my heart that this is a special place for me.  Was it chance, or the winds, which guided us?

il Trebbiolo Hotel, "our villa" as Nat and I prefer to call it, is breathtaking.  I climb out of the car and as I stand gazing, I feel I must whisper so as not to disturb her beauty.  il Trebbiolo is sun-kissed yellow and has green shutters and iron rods on the windows.  There are many flowers and bushes, including what appears to be a lemon bush bearing fruit and casting a slight scent of citrus into the air.  A front courtyard, with her tall trees and low stone wall, provides a shaded place to sit and enjoy the view of terraced hills, olives trees, and distant towns.  Two column terraces on either side of the main entrance display tables with white linen cloths enticing us to come and dine.  The courtyard floor of small pebbles announce our arrival to our hosts.

Sabrina and Roberto, our hosts, cater to us as though we are their only guests.  As we dine on the most delicious fare we have ever tasted, Nat and I take in the view.  Both neighbors from nearby towns and guests from surrounding hotels are patrons of the restaurant whose local chefs use their families' timeless recipes.  We enjoy a carafe of local chianti, the best bruschetta I have ever enjoyed, chicken with port and almonds, and carrots with onions in balsamic vinegar.  Our palates have never been so delighted!  Nat and I talk for hours at our table on the terrace, finally moving to chairs beside the wall where candles cast the perfect amount of light.  A hushed peacefulness abounds.  This is the perfect place to breathe deeply and allow life to speak to us.  The perfect place for us to absorb.  We see the lights of a church on a hillside in the distance.  Its bell gongs midnight.  I listen hard to the late night sounds hoping to hear something that will magically guide me on my search.

There is something energizing about waking up in brisk air and sunshine!  I remember spending my childhood summers in the country and waking up to the same freshness.  Nat and I get an early start to our days beginning them with a delightful breakfast of yogurt and mueslix, fresh bread with prosciutto and mozzarella, and apricot tarts.  And, of course, fabulous Italian cappuccino!  Ahhh...Italian cappuccino.  It alone is worth a trip to Italy.

We spend our days driving through the countryside to Arezzo (a small Etruscan town dating back to 4th century BC), Fiesole, and Florence.  Each day we return to il Trebbiolo with time to relax before dinner.  We spend the time taking a nap in the cool of the late evening, going for a run along the country roads, glancing through the many Italian books in the living room, or sitting by the wall absorbing the scenery as it looks so different with the sun in this position.  The green of the rolling hills, the blue of the sky, the intense sunshine.  Ahh, is it just that I'm so captivated by the beauty of Tuscany or are the colors more vibrant here?  Maybe it's the peacefulness that brings so much life to the colors.  I realize that the beauty of this land could heal my soul.  I have found a place where I, along with time, stand still. A place where my mind and my heart meld into one allowing my soul to completely envelop me.  Where my soul reaches from deep inside, wraps around my complete being, and gently folds me back into myself.  I have found a special place in Tuscany, at my il Trebbiolo.

Our last night before leaving for Venice, Nat and I once again sit next to the wall, absorbing.  There is something so magical about il Trebbiolo that we try to take in her serene beauty for those times when we will wish we were here.  All of the stars are out tonight.  The church bell strikes mezzanotte.  Midnight.  A small lamb is nearby and calls for its mother.  So much is being said, though neither of us say a word.  Natalie decides to head to our room to write in her journal.  As I sit under the stars and absorb the Tuscan night one last time, I hear a faint sound coming from somewhere off in the distance.  It almost sounds like someone breathing softly as they sleep...

~ June, 2001